The City Ep. 3

Where Did We Eat Today?

Today in Never Never Land we saw a total of four restaurants, one of them being one of my all time favs!! So needless to say, I am ecstatic about this post, so one with the show! (I'll save the best for last.)

Extra Virgin (259 W. 4th Street). Here we were able to see one of Jay and Whitney's first dates since she moved to the big apple. If anyone has ever been on an early date you know that things can still be a bit awkward, especially when you have doubts about your beau's thoughts on what you are and also whether or not he slept with some girl named Danielle. So think about that awkwardness, then add cameras and most of America watching your date whether your soar or crash and burn, and then never again complain that this girl gets paid money for this show, because I know I certainly wouldn't want my life on camera and if it was you better believe I want my money!! Apparently, according to some girl on the 5 train two days after New Years this place was IMPOSSIBLE to get a reservation at, but then again, she also admitted to calling at 1:00 day of...so, I don't really think that she is a reliable source. The place looks cute, and I love olive oil so I am dying to give it a chance. My dream meal would be the Pistachio Crusted Goat Cheese Salad as my app, Lemon Crusted Chilean Sea Bass as my main, all topped off with a Warm Apple Tart or The Warm Flourless Chocolate Cake. Yummmmmm!


Now on to my personal fav! The Smith (55 3rd Avenue (between 10th and 11th)) is my favorite place for brunch, but just recently I tried it out for dinner and it was just as good. Some places can only do one meal right, but The Smith is not one of these places. You need to know that I can't totally remember my first meal here because my second meal just blew the first one away. I was not a huge fan spinach, nor had I ever had a poached egg, but the waitress highly recommended the Potato Waffle after my mom and I inquired about it when someone next to us ordered it. The meal was....AMAZING to say the least. The potato waffle alone would have been great, but paired with the spinach (which I now eat as one of my only veggies) and the poached egg it was pure delight, it was almost as if the food melted in my mouth, and then had a party!! Good food if you are hungover, but don't be fooled the food is even better when completely of sober mind. For dinner I had the Hanger Steak mainly because I really wanted the Fries (which is the only part of meal number one at The Smith that I remember) and my meal was just as good as the brunch was! A "Must Go To" place!

Food Network

When I found my apartment four years ago things moved fast. So fast that before I knew it I was moving in and I had a phone line, but I hadn't called the cable company yet. (If you know me, that's almost insane, I can't really live without my TV) Luckily I worked for Comedy Central so most of the shows that I was now going to miss on cable I could catch during work.

However, to my surprise when I plugged my TV into the cable line in my apartment I was awarded with a wonderful surprise. Not only did I have basic cable, but I also had Food Network! This was before I decided to try my hand in the kitchen again (Even though Evan and I got an A in our cooking class I had decided that maybe the kitchen and I needed some time apart) but there were all these shows on Food Network that had the one thing I loved the most...useless information.

I watched Ham on the Street where I learned completely useless facts about eggs and turkey, I watched Semi-Homemade With Sandra Lee where I learned that someone other than me over the age of 10 liked Halloween a little too much (that was until I met my Halloween soul mate Elly!). I watched Unwrapped where I learned way too much about processed food, and I watched Paula Dean's show where I learned how to give myself an early heart attack when adding three sticks of butter to everything.

Eventually, I got cable, then I added HBO and Showtime, and then I got all of the on-demand channels and so on and so forth and I took a break from Food Network. We needed some time apart, but I am pleased to say that the distance DID make the heart grow fonder. I'm back on the FN and it's an addiction I never want to kick again. I need to know more useless information, take today for example, I learned that Americans consume 30 pounds of cheese per person, per year...I'm lactose intolerant...that's CRAZY! Then I learned all about the war between Pizza Hut and Domino's, although to be honest Pizza Hut beats out Domino's every time. I learned that from my frequent visits to Pizza Hut with my dad when I was younger. NOTHING beat that Personal Pan Pizza, with my cool cup for my soda, and my quality time with my dad. Even though it might not have been the most healthy activity, it was the best Saturday tradition that even I would endure an early heart attack for.

The Wonder of Google

I was curious as to which building Whitney lived in seeing as Gramercy hardly has any highrise buildings. I was almost positive she didn't live in Gramercy at all so I set out to figure out this mystery. (Which, I know, is totally ridiculous, but if I admit that I know it is ridiculous than isn't it sort of less ridiculous?) I even went so far as to walk all the way to Grand Central from Union Square searching for this highrise...I should have realized that there was an easier way though.

Today Stephanie IMed me and asked me where Whitney lived in Gramercy. I was first amazed that someone else cared and then relieved that someone else cared, so I did what I do most of the time. I googled it. Turns out Stephanie used to live right near this building and she confirmed that my google answer was correct. But now I am left wondering, is this okay? All I had to do to find out Whitney's building was google "Where does Whitney Port live in NYC?". Is it a blessing or a curse that information is so easy to find on the Internet? If I were Whitney I would say curse, luckily when you google me nothing relevant comes up until page 6...then again, my life isn't filmed on MTV.

(P.S. I am on my "I want to move and I want a dog kick" again, so I looked up if there were available apartments in her building, and now I wish someone was taping my life and paying me per episode. I mean, I'm interesting! I work with many interesting people, many of which will make you laugh more than Olivia ever will!)

M.I.L.F.

Back in 1999 we learned what this acronym meant when we met Stifler's mom from American Pie and ShitBrick enlightened us all. I'm talking about the original American Pie, not one of the many sequels that desecrated the integrity of the original masterpiece. Anyways, did you know that a militant group of rebels also go by the same name? No joke, I turned on my TV tonight after I returned from my second trip to Rare this week (I'm a sucker for anything made with Truffles) and I heard all about the M.I.L.F. Rebels. (And it's not said like M-I-L-F, they say milf). Do you think that the rebels know how Americans use this acronym? And if not, how do you think they will react when they figure it out? How's that conversation going to go? I wouldn't want to be the guy that made that fatal mistake. I wonder if he thought that the leader of the rebels would laugh when he found out...well, seeing as they are rebels, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that laughing will probably not be the reaction this joker is going to receive.

The City Ep. 2

Where Did we Eat Today?

I know little about the three places up today, but my friend Elly knows a little bit about Tenjune.

First up:

Phillipe (33 E. 60th Street). Two things about this place 1) Olivia and her cousin Nevan went here, so I already don't love it. It will either be too expensive for us "commoners" or it will be too stuffy for those of us with a pulse. Although, I will admit it looks pretty nice and resembles a wine bar not too far from my apartment, but I am still not completely convinced. (By the way I am totally aware of the wrath that would come down upon me if my blog was even semi-popular and I bashed Nevan for a number of reasons that I will not go into seeing as he too must be pretty "cuuuuut-throat". So since my blog is still somewhat new and I don't judge too harshly I won't say anything, but if you want to know more...Google can answer all questions.)

So again, since I know nothing about this restaurant I will rate everything on a scale of 1-5, but just keep in mind, I have never been here. (If you have email me at TresFetch@gmail.com and I will sure to post a review!) The decor: as shown on the website and The City gets a 5, it looks cute. The website: gets a 3, the music is turning me off, too stuffy. The menu: 0, I know I said 1-5, but seeing Shark Fin Soup on the menu has led me to lose all respect for this restaurant. Now I know, the rarer, the more exclusive, but shark fining is a serious crime that really bothers me. You wouldn't want your arms and legs cut off by some fisherman, but that's not even the worst, after that they just dump you back into the ocean alive (well, not for too long, when a shark doesn't swim it can't breathe, and we all know when you can't breathe, you die). Now granted, the site says that they do not use endangered sharks, but in my opinion this is a fate that no shark should have to endure and it doesn't make it right. So that's that, I seem to like this restaurant as much as I like the way Olivia and Nevan are represented on The City. Let's hope that they didn't order the morally reprehensible soup.

Cafe Noir (32 Grand Street) Part Tapas. Part Bistro. Part, I am going home hungry tonight. I don't enjoy Tapas or a Bistro unless I know I don't want to eat a lot, so buyer beware, don't ever go to a Tapas bar starving or you will be disappointed. (As will your boyfriend once he figures out that you said Tapas, not Topless) However, if you are looking for something light Tapas bars usually offer up some really great food and unique food. The plus about eating at a Tapas bar: You can eat new foods without being worried that you will hate it because you can share with your table and the portions are small enough to not worry about not finishing it all. To be honest though, this place is much more bistro, less tapas. The Entrees look good and the pitchers look very tasty, plus great for big groups. If I were to go to this restaurant I would definitely try the Hanger Steak with red wine shallot sauce.

Tenjune (26 Little West 12th Street) Elly was able to go to Tenjune for a promotions party when it first opened a couple of years ago with her friend Krystal. The place had a lot of promise, but it didn't necessarily live up to its expectations. When asked about her Tenjune experience she said, "It was cool, but a lot smaller than I thought and not too much dancing space." So there you have it, as usually a New York City hot spot turns out not to be as big as once thought, that's NYC for ya!

My Favorite Things

As the winter rages on with no end in sight (again, thanks a bunch Puxatony Phil) I am noticing a habit I seemed to have picked up, which than made me realize I clearly have some favorite things that I cannot live without during the winter season.  (In no particular order)

1.  Chapstick:  Winter can be brutal on your lips.  Now, no matter what time of year it is I can be spotted slathering on the stuff, but my recent obsession has made the sighting a commonplace.  I cannot live without my Kiehl's Scented Lip Balm #1.  I love the coconut, it takes me away to the beach while the snow is steadily falling out my window.  (You can get the World's Aids Day Limited Edition Kiehl's Lip Balm #1 and make more than just your lips feel good!)  My other top contender, any lipsavers from Avon (although truth be told, I do favor the cherry).

2.  Philosophy's Coconut Frosting Shampoo, Shower, and Bath:  Pair this body wash with Organix Coconut Milk Shampoo and then top it all off with Sephora Brand Coconut Creme body butter and you will be thinking of Pina Coloda's and pool boys all day long!

3.  Uggs:  There is nothing better than Uggs in the winter.  Now there was a time when I thought Uggs were just oh so UGGly, but their new styles have turned me around.  My favorite pair that I cannot live without right now:  Knightsbridge Boot in Espresso, they are super high, keeping my leg super warm, and super soft making my feet feel as though they are wrapped in a blanket all day long.  What do I wear indoors?  My Minnetonka Cally Slippers, they couldn't be softer and keep my feet cozy and stylish.  

4.  Leggings:  We all know that winter time can have us packing on the pounds a bit.  I'm not sure why seeing as we don't have to hibernate, but regardless, it happens.  This is why on my free time I can almost always be found in a pair of capri leggings (I like to free up my calves when indoors or in Uggs).  They are simple, surprisingly warm, and cute to boot.  Pair some Simply Vera by Vera Wang capri leggings with a long sweater and some boots and you can take your comfort with you on the go.

5.  Mott's Apple Slices:  I love snacking, but as mentioned above, I don't love packing on those extra L-B-S so my solution, apple slices.  Not only do they make a great tasting, healthy, juicy, hydrating snack, but they are a great way to boost your energy.  By 6th period I am usually ready to throw in the towel and end my day, but I can't...that's where the powerful apples come in.  One single serving size bag is easy to carry with you, you don't have to worry about pits or getting in trouble for bringing a knife to work, and best of all it fills you up and is only 30 calories.

6.  My Lucky Magazine:  This is a new "can't live without", during my bout with the stomach flu (ugh not fun, this I can live without) my mom decided to surprise me with a subscription to Lucky Magazine.  Now I can't wait to get my mail and I have acquired a plethora of beauty and shopping tips!

7.  My Bangs:  The side swept bang look was all the rage and I jumped on that train like it was going to the land of free Jimmy Choos.  Now, or at least for the time being, I can't live without them.  They make my hair look much less boring and much more styled.  Plus my mom has a harder time telling when my hair is too long now so I hear her consistent, "Get your hair cut" mantra less often.  So, what do I suggest? Be bold, try that new hairstyle, you might be surprised, and if not, in the words of my mom, "The good thing about hair is that it grows back!"

8.  Bobby Pins:  Why?  To pin back those bangs.  As much as I love the new look it can be inconvenient when I am working out or trying to look down at something for a long period of time (read:  writing these posts on my mac).  Pick up the bobby pins that come in a nifty carrying case.  Not only is the case cute, but it will ensure that you don't lose all of your bobby pins somewhere around your house.  Also, the case makes traveling with the bobby pins super easy.

9. Apartment Therapy (www.apartmenttherapy.com):  I love redecorating, and dreaming up ways to make my apartment look cooler/bigger/chicer and Apartment Therapy offers up great ideas.  Whether you want to give your kitchen a face lift or you want to know where to buy a really great bedspread Apartment Therapy should always be your first stop.

10.  DVR:  DVR was supposed to make my life easier, I could leave the couch and go out once in a while without having to fear that I might miss something UBER-important on The Bad Girls Club (I watch that show like analysts do CNN).  I am not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing though, because my DVR has opened up a world of possibilities to me, I now watch quite possibly every single show on TV, so did DVR make my TV obsession worse or better?

The City Ep. 1

Where Did we Eat Today?

First of all, for the first few episodes it will be difficult for me to tell you which characters were at the restaurant and why and what judgment I can pass on them, but I will tell you about the restaurants, where they are, and what I might think about them!

Nero (46 Gansevoort, Meatpacking District) Now, I haven't been to this restaurant (Although I am sure my friend Jaime has since she loves the Meatpacking District.) I can tell you is this though, since the girls and boys of The City love to frequent the Meatpacking district I think it is fair to give some "Meatpacking Tips".

Most importantly, the streets in Meatpacking can be hard to navigate for a couple of reasons. First, the streets and avenues start to get confusing down there, 12th is not exactly where you think it might be so make sure to bring the exact address, that means street numbers and cross streets as well, not all cab drivers know the meatpacking district like the back of their hands. Secondly, make sure someone in your group has looked up on a map where the restaurant is, that way if the cab driver gives you his "best guess" and you need to get out and hoof it you can find it on your own. (This has happened to me on my way to One Little West 12, our cab driver dropped us off in the middle of nowhere and we had to figure it out on our own...luckily Jaime was there!).

Even more importantly, the streets of the Meatpacking district can be tough to navigate...in heels. Most of the streets down there are cobblestone. Cobblestone looks nice...but it can be killer when you are wearing heels. 9 times out of 10 you will get your heel stuck in the cobblestone and twist your ankle, so if you have any fashionable high flat boots that you haven't been able to wear out yet...use this as your opportunity. Now, all of these might sound like deterrents, but the food downtown is usually superb, so it's worth the hassle. So grab up an iPhone with google maps and a pair of cute flats and make your way down! (Oh and the Gnocchi Con Granchio sounds GREAT!)

Cornelia Street Cafe (29 Cornelia Street)
In order to review Cornelia Street Cafe I decided to ask the expert, a former local resident Tyler what he thought. He used to live right near Cornelia Street Cafe and was a frequent visitor there. Bonus: Outdoor seating area, although right now no one would want to sit outside, soon enough it will once again be outside dinning time. (Watch the phenomenon, it's crazy, once it is about 60 degrees all of the restaurants will open up this prime seating area and encourage all of us crazy New Yorkers to brave the sort of warm, but still mostly cold temps and dine with nature (nature being pedestrians and cabs))

me: What is the best thing to order is at the Cornelia Street Cafe?
Tyler: I usually had brunch - Eggs Benedict or French Toast
me: Cool. I'm going to write about the place on my blog and will use your full name, picture, and address for all the lady readers if that's ok...

(Ladies...if you are interested, please email me at TresFetch@gmail.com...interested in Tyler that is.)

Also in this episode the girls went to the DVF party at the Thompson Hotel and we saw Vento another great restaurant in the Meatpacking District (see driving and dressing tips above).

The City

I have lived in NY my whole life, but growing up I always had the dream to move to the city, so as soon as I graduated from College I made the move. The great thing about the city is that things are constantly changing so there is hardly any chance for you to get bored of the same places or people. A restaurant's shelf life is about one year anyway, and then something bigger and better moves in, just like when something bigger and better moved into MTV. When Whitney made the move to NYC I was so excited to see her cram all of her crap into a one bedroom apartment with a fake wall...but then I remembered she gets paid a lot to have her life put on TV so she probably will have a much better apartment than most of my friends (who have about 3-5 years on her, but I am not bitter).

The show...could be better. I am a little tired of seeing these 20 somethings act like they are in high school, but two good things do come out of this show. 1) I get to thank God everyday that I do not have a friend like Olivia (could she be a bigger bitch?!) and 2) I get a list of new restaurants to hit up, try out, and of course review! (all the while making comments about the girls and boys of The City!)

Home Decor

Being the best friend of Lacoste's bedding designer has furthered my obsession for duvet covers and other home decor products.  I love redecorating and would DIE to move to a bigger apartment in my building just so that I can start a new decorating project.  As for bedding I have two favorites right now.  My Lacoste pillow cases which are oh so soft, and my lacoste sweatshirt blanket is amazing, sometimes I open all of my windows just so that I can wrap myself up in it!

However, I have come to the conclusion that 6 duvet covers may be enough, so it might be time to move on to something else to decorate my apartment.  A while back I painted one wall in my apartment, an accent wall if you will.  Like all people who paint...the color wasn't exactly what I was going for.  Or maybe it was, but now I am ready for a change.  I want to paint my entire apartment in either Benjamin Moore's Lemon Ice or Pale Straw.  In fact I had a plan, over my winter break I was going to paint over my "not the accent I wanted wall" and all of the other walls, but then I fell in love with the apartment I wasn't allowed to move into.  So by the time I was told that they would prefer a stranger living in that apartment, rather than a good tenant, my vacation was long over. (A month long over to be exact, nothing like a NYC apartment to make you wait by the phone...I am beginning to think that my management company was "just not that into me"  in fact I'm quite certain that I could get Jake Gyllenhaal to call me back before my management company.) 

So now, I either have to go the "Weekend Warrior" route or wait until summer to paint.  If you know me, you know I am impatient, so I started to look online for some alternatives and I came up with something I had thought of a while ago to accent my walls.  Wall decals, used as either wall art or as wall paper for another accent wall.  I have a small wall near my dinning room table and I have been dying to get a certain look in my apartment that makes that part of my apartment look more like a formal but trendy dinning room area (the kind of space that would have a black chandelier with clear or red crystals dripping off it)  I was thinking of a black design like a Fleur de Lis or Damask or something.  The best things about these decals is that they are easily removable, they are easy to put up and they take WAY less time than painting or putting up wallpaper!  Oh, and you can even get them cheap at places like Target!!  (or you can google Wall Decals, there are a zillion specialized websites that have wall decals)

Friday the 13th!

9 out of 10 people agree: Punxsutawney Phill is 100 times scarier than Jason.

So today is Friday the Thirteenth...and I'm wondering, was Friday the 13th as scary before Jason died at Crystal Lake? In my opinion Thursday the 12th was much more terrifying this month than the 13th was. Doesn't that sort of make sense though? If Friday the 13th is bad luck then consequently all of the other days of that month also must be bad luck too right? It wouldn't be Friday the 13th with all of those other days. I mean clearly, since Thursday the 12th was so bad for me this week I can only assume that every Thursday the 12th must also be bad luck...it is, after all, the day that leads us up to the famed Friday the 13th, how can it not have a little bad luck attached to it? If anything Saturday the 14th HAS to be unlucky as well because there is surely some left over bad luck that needs to spill into the next day.

Anyhow, anything that could have gone wrong did go wrong yesterday. We can start off the day with my insane chapped lips. Anyone who knows me knows that I am addicted to my chapstick, but yesterday was a little out of control, I needed to reapply every 5 minutes. (By the way...chapstick is additive, it does contain alcohol, and I am pretty sure that my lips no longer know how to hydrate themselves on their own anymore). They my foot nearly gets broken on my way off the bus. (Although, those of you who think that all New Yorkers are mean and rude, you clearly haven't met the woman who gave me a bunch of tissues when I started crying) Then my printer breaks, and then I can't find the right file to send in an email to have someone else print it for me...and then...do I really need to go on? I mean, CLEARLY...it was a bad day!

So what was it? The chicken or the egg? Did Jason make Friday the 13th terrifying or did the idea of Friday the 13th make Jason a terrifying movie? I Googled it, but I was not able to find a concrete answer. I google everything, and I am sort of like Google too...well at least to a couple of my friends. My friend Ilana insists on calling me for everything. She asks me about anything from information on sharks to information on Punxsutawney Phil. (Although, I am pretty sure that everyone knows that Punxsutawney Phil lives in the state of Pennsylvania. He has his own website for Christ's sake!)

What's with that stupid groundhog anyways? I think that all of this doesn't make sense, if Phil sees his shadow shouldn't we assume that spring is coming soon? I mean, isn't sun part of spring? Doesn't the sun cause a shadow? I hate that Groundhog! He doesn't even have any courage, he is scared of his own shaddow and HE didn't bit the mayor...no that was the Staten Island groundohog...'cause that's how NY do! However, if you think about it there is some sense to the groundhog seeing his shadow this month...it's the curse of Friday the 13th, everyday in the month is cursed. 6 more weeks of winter? Who really likes winter? I'm going to google "groundhog murder" now...

R.I.P. WeeBay

Hmmm....maybe naming my fish after a drug dealer who is serving a life sentence for murder wasn't the best idea. I can't imagine why...But then again, you don't see many people naming their children Hitler either...so in retrospect maybe it wasn't the best idea.

WeeBay....died. I found him Friday night laying in the rocks in his bowl, which wasn't too odd considering he had been laying on a flower in his tank the night before...but apparently, this time it was in fact a trip to the big sea in the sky instead of an award winning acting job like last time.

I told my mom and she felt very badly for me. I thought that a pair of Puma's would make me feel all better, but apparently a trip to the mall on the first nice day of this winter just wasn't in the cards for me. Instead my mom and I went to a fish store and bought another fish. Actually we bought two...one for me, and one for my copycat mom. I toyed with the idea of naming this fish Bodie from The Wire...but considering that he met his untimely death when being shot in the head coupled with the fact that WeeBay didn't make it past 7 months I decided to stray away from The Wire.

I named him after another murderer (I didn't learn my lesson), but at least this one murders for the greater good! Dexter (from Dexter) is the new addition to my household. I tried to get my mom to name her fish Miguel Prado, but she refuses to name her fish. She worries that if she names her fish she will become too attached to it. I am not sure what point there is to having a pet if you wont name it and don't want to become attached to it.

Much like WeeBay, Dexter won't eat...but I think this is because he senses something went terribly wrong in his bowl before he called it his home and he is trying to decide if someone needs to be punished for this. (I'm hoping that he doesn't think I'm the murder...murder by fish doesn't sound that great of a way to end your life.)

Maybe Puma's would make Dexter feel better! You know what? I think they will...Nordstroms online here I come!! (FYI I am blaming this purchase on Rebecca Bloomwood's Confessions of a Shopaholic character...it just seems so easy!!

He's Just Not That Into You Part II

Again, I have to say...this book is the work of the Devil. Who else would write a book that would make an already paranoid group of people (women) even more paranoid? I wonder what Greg Behrendt gets out of the deal? Fame? Fortune? Sex and the City rights? A major motion picture? Jen Aniston as your lead (by the way does anyone else find this sort of mean. You cast a women who is unlucky in love in a movie about a woman being unlucky in love. Hollywood, stop typecasting please, it's just becoming mean) This sounds to me like the work of the devil. (Especially that whole Jen Aniston bit).

But what about SHE'S just not that into you? I already told you, I'm just not that into the book, but what about guys who are just as clueless? It seems from the book that guys are given a free pass for all of their bad behavior if in turn we as women recognize that they are just not into us, or not the right guy for us. But is it still okay for them to behave in such a way? For instance, according to the book, if a guy doesn't call me anytime other than after 2:00am he's just not that into me (okay in all fairness he is into me, just not into me in a relationship way), but then are we saying it's okay for guys to do this? It's alright, but we need to dump them? And clearly, since it is poor behavior, and unacceptable, this isn't a habit that we should pick up...but why not? The guys get away with it, why not us?

Case in point...if a guy leaves an ambiguous message on your cell phone that could be construed as a ploy to get you to go out with him, or could simply just be wondering what place you order Sushi from...as girls are we allowed to not call back if we think that we might get pressured into a date? I mean...shouldn't he just get it? SHE'S just not that into you. What girl would do this though? In what world would this be the right thing to do for a girl? That was my rationale...but if a guy would react in this way then aren't they sort of expecting either interest or just a blatant ignore...things that they normally do?

Once again, my life is turning head over foot in this whole He's Just Not That Into You battle, is the book genius? Does it promote bad boy behavior while at the same time teach girls good manners, and what do our manners even matter if boys are expecting us to respond like them? Of course...I hate the book...and of course...I am going to see the movie...I mean, did you expect anything less? The movie actually looks a bit better than the book, which hardly ever happens so I am expecting to not totally hate it. Confessions of a Shopaholic on the other hand I am not too sure about. Did anyone else notice that this movie is about 3 of the Shopaholic books all rolled into one? It's surely going to cause confusion. (It's also going to most likely cause my credit card to hemorrhage. The books gave me a compulsion to shop that I have only just recently gotten over, and I have a feeling that it will be coming back like the head cold I have had since December 12th...God Save my Credit Card!!)

So this is what I think everyone should do...if you are a women dating a guy that's just not that into, or you suspect that he is just not that into, or he simply forgets to buy you flowers on Saturday...I say you take him to see a double feature of He's Just Not That Into You and Confessions of a Shopaholic. Just make sure to pump him full of some sort of time released tranq that wont take effect until the previews are over, make sure that he can still watch the movie, but can't run out of there like Carl Lewis. Even if the movie is good...chances are you have tortured him enough for you to get over being mad!

He's Just Not That Into You Oldie But Goodie

He’s Just Not That Into You…the work of the devil himself.

Want to read a book by Satan ladies? I really never wanted to read this book, my gut reaction told me not to, but of course I gave in like most girls would because I just needed to know all the secrets of the male mind! I mean if I could figure out if a guy liked me before putting in all the leg work (and I don’t mean only showing a little leg, but also all the emotional work that goes into getting a boy as well!) imagine all the time that I would not have to waste! I just had to read the book didn’t I? My first gut instinct screamed, “NO DON’T READ IT!! You think you are paranoid now? Why not read a book that makes you overanalyze EVERY little thing a guy says and does! Oh yeah that will do wonders for your social life!” Look, I won’t lie, I have a semi-compulsive personality, and so this book was an even worse idea for me to read!

Wasting time on a pointless relationship is every girl’s worst nightmare, putting time, effort and feelings into it and then eventually getting nothing out of it, could you really think of anything worse?! I mean think of all those countless hours spent driving by his place with your friends. All of that for nothing? (Once again I must digress and think my lovely friend saying, “His light is on! Where is he?! Why isn't he calling me?”) Who wouldn’t want to know the secrets that might save all of us some wasted time…however, every story has two parts to it, yes I will learn all of the “secrets of the male mind”, but am I really supposed to know these things? Will it help me at all, or will it just be an example what happens when we open Pandora’s box? Well, I read the book, and let me tell you, Pandora had the right idea keeping that box locked up tight, what idiot would want to open it?!

So just to warn any girl out there that is thinking they want to empower themselves by reading this book, and that, yeah it might make you a little paranoid for about a week and then you will get over it. If you have any sort of compulsion…DON’T READ THIS BOOK! I’m just not that into it! This is what I learned: 1) don’t call a guy, ever, he should always call you, if he doesn’t always call you, he’s just not that into you. 2) Never pursue a guy, they don’t like it, you should sit around and wait for them to chase you, they like that. If you have to make the first move, he isn’t shy; he’s just not that into you. 3) Guys are never busy, if they say they are busy, they are just not that into you, no matter what is going on in their lives, they are never busy. Ok, so now I’m paranoid beyond belief. I can’t call a guy anymore because I am not supposed to, but then he may think that I AM just not that into HIM, and that’s a whole other disaster in itself. Along with the feeling of paranoia, now I’m also totally confused. Lets face it; the only bible that I’m living by is Cosmo and the surveys in Maxim! Cosmo and Maxim tell me guys love assertive girls that will just take the reins and show him who is boss every once in a while, but now “Happily Married” Greg (that’s the author extraordinaire) tells me NO NO NO, boys like the chase and lose interest when they don’t have to be the ones putting in all the effort. People of the mass media world can’t you all get together and have a meeting and just MAKE SENSE?! Please! I mean really, was your main goal to make little Beth even more confused when it comes to guys?! As if god gracing me with no game wasn’t enough!

You know what “Happily Married”? I’m just not that into you…whadda ya think of them apples?! Now that I have come to the conclusion that every aspect of mass media is giving me a different story, I think I’ll stick to my "no game" and just say screw it! No better yet, I am never going to read another self-help book and I will also vow to watch Brittney and Kevin: Chaotic religiously while I wait for my own personal back up dancer to dance his way into my life so I can have a wonderfully dysfunctional love like theirs!

"Happily Married" Greg… Who wouldn’t want a gross back up dancer living off your money? Hmmm….he better like PB & J a lot with my salary!

Those Anoyomous Meetings!

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(This is NOT meant to offend)

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be in Over-eaters Anonymous? I'm not trying to make fun, I'm serious, because after the meal I just ate I have been thinking long and hard about these anonymous groups and how they run their show.

I've been wondering what the 12-Step process would look like for OA, because let's be honest, clearly you're not hurting anyone with your eating habits so you couldn't follow the normal 12-Steps and apologize to those who you have wronged. So what do you do? Confront those who have wronged you and subsequently maybe added to your eating?

If so, sign me up! I don't care how many steps were before that step I would race through them just to get to that one! Now, I'm sure that like AA, they tell you that no one caused you to give in to your addiction, that you have no one to blame but yourself. Bullshit! We all know there is a guy or really mean girl out there that has contributed to a late night Ben and Jerry's binge! I would love to walk up to the guy who once said to me, "But think about it, would you be comfortable putting on a bathing suit in front of people right now?" I want to go to his door, knock on it and shout "YES BITCH!" Maybe I would think about explaining myself, but then again, why bother, I mean someone who says something like that doesn't really deserve anymore breath wasted on them right? (Please take into account that they follow up sentence to the first mean sentence was "Because she can, she has a great body!" Meanwhile, I am pretty sure I weighed about 105 pounds at the time.

Thank you EDS Man (eating disorder starter) but guess what? You're powers didn't work on me, I STILL ate...and guess what? I LIKED IT! I should be the anti-hero to that superhero. Oh he isn't a superhero you say? Well, of course he is, he works for magazines that boast headlines like "Lose 20 Pounds Like Jen Aniston in 20 Days" or "How Ang Lost all of her Baby Weight" (I can answer that one, you have a 4 out of 6 chance that she adopted that time around!)

So I joined the gym, EDS kept telling me I should (what was he trying to do?). In all fairness, so did my mom, but that's only because I broke my foot and she was convinced it was because I had spent so much time playing sports my whole life and my 7 year hiatus was now beginning to catch up with me. (Truth be told, I just fell in a pothole. Although, I DID walk on it for seven days! So I sort of "played through the pain", which I feel should count as exercise!)

I joined the gym and I went for a long time, until work and grad school started to take over all of my time, then I quit. I promised myself that as soon as summer was over (I was, after all, able to run every morning (but I didn't) and I was going to a country where the average temperature would be about 100 degrees each day, I'd sweat it off. Surely I didn't need to go back until after summer) and I...didn't.

Instead I would follow the exercises on Fit TV on Demand. If you have a roommate/live in boyfriend/fiance/husband that could walk in and witness you doing this at any moment, I don't suggest it. It's almost as bad as getting caught watching Real World by the cool guy you just started dating who still hasn't figured out that you have a scary obsession with really bad reality TV. My friend just informed me of the most embarrassing workout of all on Fit TV, it's called Cardioke (Get it? Karaoke and cardio in one! Apparently singing while working out builds stamina). This one should come with a disclaimer: If someone can see you right now or any time soon, do not play. Otherwise enjoy this is the most awesome workout ever!

But alas, I have given into the gym once again. I just rejoined. Basically my reasoning is this: I need to fit into a bridesmaid dress, too bad I haven't gone yet and my first dress experience is this Saturday. I'm thinking....Divine intervention for this one...They don't teach you that in OA! (And I know why, but, I think God has got to have the upper hand in the weight loss area!)

What Am I Doing Wrong?!

How come my fish looks like this?!

I mean, that's not normal right? It looks like he is doing the doggy paddle...and trust me, he is no dog. I wish he was a dog, no that's not true, I love him as a fish, I just wish I had another pet and it happened to be a dog! My fish is named after Wee-Bey (I spelled his name Wee-Bay though, so that I could call him Bay for short...since he is a fish...and they live in water...sometimes in a bay) from The Wire...'cause he is a killer! We'll he hasn't killed anyone, but if I put another fish in his bowl he would tear a brother apart!

Or he would have at least...until he started doing the doggie paddle. So I looked up online what might be wrong with him and it seems as though I can diagnose him with SBD (Swim Bladder Disorder). Medicine? No, that's too easy, this can be cured by feeding your fish a pea. Yes...a pea...like a green pea, I never had to eat those when I was younger, my mom hated peas so I was spared. (Although, I ate a lot of orange foods, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes. I turned orange...I don't eat carrots anymore) But how do you feed a fish a pea?!

First of all Bay doesn't even want to eat, so how am I going to make him eat a pea? NO ONE WANTS TO EAT PEAS!! Especially a fish! Bay can't even hold himself up, and I'm supposed to somehow force feed him a pea?! This isn't going to work! So I left the pea stuck to a fork taped to the side of the bowl and I am going to hope for the best. I'm still skeptical that this pea is even going to work though...but we shall see.

Yes...I did turn orange. Yes it is something that can really happen, see!! Maybe Bay will turn green from the peas...that would be weird!