Which Should Cause Mass Hysteria More?

Let's bring it to court!

What is worse...The fact that some young girls look up to Paris Hilton as an idol or the fact that she thinks that Swine Flu can be contracted from eating pork?

Judgment: I am going to have to go with a ringer here. It seems as though neither concern will win this battle, but instead this will take the pork-free cake. Some guy is employed to ask Paris about Swine Flu and we are all riveted and stuck to the screen while we await her answer. In conclusion, our interest in her response is more likely to be a means for mass hysteria. (How's everything with Douuuug? Come on guy!)

Real Housewives Observation Report #3

Observing the Unobservable!

Didn't Kelly watch last years season of Real Housewives? I think that it would be safe to say that doing your research would be a good idea before getting yourself involved in something like this. With Kelly though, I think it is also safe to say that you should always expect the unexpected.

Last year Alex was in hot water for bringing Simon to a girls night, so when Luann invited Kelly to a girls night with her two (way too) young nieces you would think that she would come solo, or even bring a girlfriend along, but did she? Of course not! She invited Max, who, to be quite honest, kind of annoys me, although I am not sure why. It could be because he thinks that Kelly is amazing, buuuuut...I'm not really boarding that crazy plane just yet (I heard they serve that kool-aid, and I am strictly a don't drink the crazy kool-aid kind of girl). Lucky for Kelly, Max knew his place, and maybe even Kelly did as well, and he left just as soon as he appeared. So for a while, I was okay (in the vaguest sense of the word) with Kelly.

However, Kelly made sure to bring my feelings back to their original point of origin when she and Bethenny had a sit down to clear the air. Bethenny had good intentions going into the conversation, but just like last time Kelly went loco. She had absolutely no recollection of her bad behavior in their previous conversation, it was a little bit like watching a seventh grader mixed with a senile 90 year old. She was freaking out and once again avoiding any real conversation. If she is having problems airing her dirty laundry on TV she should have thought about that before signing up for this experience, but I think it is more of a deep seeded CRAZY issue! I mean, the girl can't talk about ANYTHING. Let's review the things Kelly doesn't want to do:

*She doesn't want go to dinner on a date
*She doesn't want to answer the question "have you been on more than one date with Max"
*She doesn't want to dress too provocatively because she has children, yet basically wore underwear and a bustier on TV
*She doesn't want to talk to Bethenny
*She doesn't want her daughters to wear mismatched clothes, even if it means they have to wear a sweater in 90 degree weather
*She doesn't want to lend her name to any charity events
*She doesn't want to admit that Allie, Jill Zarin's daughter, is not a KID!


What does she want to do other than look crazy on TV?

So Conclusion:

Kelly Bensimone Observation Report
Behavior: Erratic
Tact: Non-existent
Argument #2 with Bethenny: Lost yet again
Class: Lost, she not only broke girl code, but has yet again turned a positive conversation into a pointless one.

The Swine Flu

With the recent on-set of Pig Flu the Board of Education was kind enough to send an email out with some answers to the commonly asked questions about this confusingly named virus. Most kids are under the impression that they can no longer eat HAM-burgers, not realizing that the tasty treat actually comes from a cow. (In case you were wondering, yes, they do think that hot dogs are completely safe to eat during the Swine Flu Scare) However, given that these students are mislead and Swine Flu cannot be contracted through eating pork products we needed to get the word out there for them.

Let me summarize, in the event of a national health emergency the precautions that should be taken are the following:

Wash your hands
Stay away from sick people

Oh...so basically I can avoid getting this potentially deadly virus, which has caused two NYC schools to shut down already, and has caused Pres Obama to declare a national health emergency, by....washing my hands. Oh, and of course, staying away from sick people.

Basically, I must treat Swine Flu like a subway ride. And although people preaching that the world is coming to an end most likely will not give me Swine Flu, I think I will stay away from them on the subway as well.

We Need More Jews in Sports

Growing up almost everyone had someone in sports to relate to, little boys of all kinds have Larry Bird and Michael Jordan to look up to...they could see themselves in these men. For the dorky kids there was Chi Chi Rodriguez, for the cool kids there was Sammy Sosa, but what about the Jewish kids? Who did we have to look up to?

The girls we given some hope with Kerri Strug, but who else was there? Bad news for the boys, they didn't want to wear a leotard when they grew up, but at least we had something. Something real, something well known, but the boys had nothing of real substance!

Sure we had many sports casters to look up to, but we didn't want to be on the side-lines, we wanted to be in the action. Plus none of us wanted to grow up to become a cross dresser who bit people, that just wasn't the type of sports exposure we were all going for.

Boys wanted something real like Kerri Strug, they wanted a Michael Jordan-Goldberg, someone who got air and fasted on Yom Kippur. Someone who had a shoe deal and a bar mitzvah! Well, look no further boys of yesterday and today, the Jets have given us all hope that Jews CAN be football players...with their mom's permission of course!

(oh and speaking of sports, why not try out the BethandTaxes basketball jersey?)

Now You Know

Flea Markets

So being in Florida for a while I naturally started thinking "Why on Earth are flea markets called flea markets?" So, as usual, I used my dear friend Google to try and figure out the answer to life's biggest question. Okay, not really life's biggest question, but the biggest question in my mind right now. So what did I come up with?Apparently no one really knows, but there are three schools of thought out there.

The first theory was during the time when the Paris alleys and slums were destroyed and replaced new by new construction (much like how in South Florida a massive amount of new construction is built after trees are demolished...hmmm....I think I see a pattern here) the residents who lived there needed to flee, much like the alligators, birds, and other woodland creatures do in Florida. The residents were dealers in second-hand goods and needed to sell their goods in a new place which were now named "flee markets" for the fleeing residents.

The second theory was that there were markets in NYC during the 18th century called Fly Markets. Now this is where it gets a tiny bit confusing, apparently, the Dutch name for the market was vlie, which means valley but is pronounced "flea." How is Vlie pronounced as flea? And why does it seem to sound so much like vile?

The third theory is that in Paris there were large outdoor bazaars called French Marché aux Puces. When you translate that into English, it literally translates into Market of Fleas, why? Well...they sold products that were infested with the icky little critters.

So which do you buy? I think all three seem to be viable options, but I think that given the knock 'em down and build 'em up theory that is so similar to the Florida construction I am going to go with theory number one...basically because it is so entertaining.

Now you know...P.S. Get excited NYC it is almost Street Fair time. (Little known fact, a lot of people from Florida Flea Markets also have booths in NYC Street Fairs. Business Travels!)

(Info from I did not know that yesterday)

Dancing With the Stars

Tell me that Melissa Rycroft and Shawn Johnson couldn't be sisters. I think that if someone told me that Shawn was Melissa's younger sister I would definitely believe it.

Meanwhile, Melissa has a boyfriend now, so take that Jason!! Ugh, I still cringe when I think about that "After the Last Rose" special.

Oh and to add some salt to his wounds, because really he deserves it, not only did Melissa give him a piece of her mind on TV, but her emails to the bad-chelor were leaked to the Internet.

Oh...let's make it even juicer you say? Done! The oranges are freshly squeezed! Molly may be breaking up with Jason. or possibly already did this weekend! Happy Easter Jason!

Real Housewives NYC Observation Report #2

Observing the Unobservable!

We already covered observation report #1, in which I decided that the Countess must have had a temporary memory lapse when she forgot the "classy" way to talk to kids. Now on to something I am sure the Countess would also disapprove of...her new found friend's fight with Bethenny. (P.S. Don't we all just love Bethenny because we share a name?! I know I do!)

Kelly, who also seems to think she knows what the right thing is all the time already made a slight fool out of herself when she referred to Ali's arthritis as "cute" and then went into a rant about not lending her name to anything. Now, I get it, she wants to make sure that she has time to actually put into a charity before putting her name on it, and to be honest I think it is pretty great that she only wants to be involved when she is actually involved. She seems to be the type of person who likes to get her hands dirty when becoming involved in something instead of just throwing money at the problem, and that I respect, but the way it came off on TV, not so much. However, that's not even what I am concerned about, her behavior when she confronted Bethenny about the "Madonna" comment was nothing short of erratic. The "sit down" was too Tony Soprano for me. It was never meant to solve anything or to clear the air, instead it was meant to intimidate and tell Bethenny off. (Only the later seemed to come through at the end of the day, albeit, not very well though. I am not sure anyone could intimidate Bethenny.) The only thing that stopped this from being a mafia hit was the actual mafia hit, but everything else was there.

First there was the reminder of status, all good mafia men need to make sure that they show their enemies and disciples who is boss, which Kelly did by telling Bethenny that she was here (hand really high) and that Bethenny was here (hand really low). But what did she mean by that? Social status? Moral status? Or was it just a simple statement about their height differences?

Next there was the "clearing of the air". This is when the mob boss lets his people know where they now stand and what they did wrong. "We will never be friends!" Um, I think Bethenny knew that already, and to be quite honest, I think she was also pretty okay with that she just had enough decency not to have a sit down to spell it out. The writing was already there, Kelly didn't really need to read it to her.

Let's talk about Bethenny's response to this for a second, now in real mob world, there would be no answer, but that's not how Bethenny rolls, she is just too strong for that, instead, she gives a confused look saying with her eyes "and your point is?" See she already knew this, again, NO NEED FOR THE READ ALOUD Kelly!!

Then there was the warning, this was when she told her not only were they not friends, but that they wouldn't be and that she would just like it better if Bethenny had nothing to do with her. Really Kelly? I am sure that Bethenny is a-okay with that, and something tells me she was on that path anyways, Kelly just made sure that she put up some unnecessary road signs on the way.

Then we get to the breakdown, which hardly ever happens to the mob boss in public, especially not in front of those that he has just given a warning too (Even Tony Soprano only saved that behavior for his shrink), but maybe this comes because Kelly didn't get to follow through with her "hit" on Bethenny, that crazy aggression needed to get out somehow. So she proceeds to tell a very calm Bethany, who has already moved on to more important things like checking her Blackberry, because she has a job (not a housewife, and not a wife, but entertaining nevertheless) to calm down...while visibly shaking...honey, I think you need to calm down, but alas she will go on a date to calm her down....a date in which she will complain about her girl problems and talk a million miles a minute both qualities that ANY guy would just love. (Read: no guys would like this, they would refer to this as "crazy" behavior, which most women are already in the eyes of men, so thank you Kelly for proving them right while the rest of us desperately try to disprove that stigma).

So conclusion:

Kelly Bensimone Observation Report
Behavior: Unsatisfactory
Tact: Unsatisfactory
Class: Unsatisfactory
Argument: Lost

Bethany Frankel Observation Report
Behavior: Confused, but understandably so
Keeping Cool: In tact
Argument: Won: Clearly Kelly DID know who Bethenny was and clearly did harbor some bad feelings towards her, just like she suspected.

Real Housewives of New York Observation Report #1

Observing the Unobservable!

So, even though I wasn't sure about this show last year when it came out I am of course now sucked in and hooked for the second season. Of course, nothing can compare to the ladies of Orange County and to be quite honest, the Housewives of New York are hardly Housewives, two of them aren't even wives at all...so I am left wondering, what is it about the Housewives of NY that is so enthralling that we all continue to watch regardless of whether or not these ladies even represent what they are selling, being rich, fabulous, and not working a second for any of it...


However, while watching Real Housewives of NYC lately I have noticed some odd behavior, so I decided and observation report was necessary. Maybe they ladies can learn something from their bad behavior.



A couple of weeks ago I think we all learned a small lesson in etiquette from The Countess and a HUGE lesson in bitchiness from the fight between Bethany and Kelly. (Who is up here, and you are down here.) So first things first. Countess deLesseps is usually teaching us what to do and what not to do in each episode in what I would assume is an attempt to plug her new book "Class With the Countess", but on this episode she seemed to try to teach us in a new way, one of which I am extremely familiar with...Modeling! (No, not for the camera, like learning by example) The Countess (which by the way will be the ONLY way that I refer to her because I know how much she hates when people drop the title, and I live a little too close to comfort to this lady to piss her off) usually teaches us lessons while talking to her daughter or her daughter's friends or more commonly in her confessional like sessions, but this week we learned by example.

We all know that the Countess is not a fan of people doing things that are classless, but apparently just telling us what not to do wasn't working enough, so instead she modeled what behavior would be considered not only classless, but appalling at best when she had what I can only assume was a slip of the tongue while telling a young aspiring model that "losing weight" was the easy part of getting into modeling. Not only was this NOT an appropriate comment, I mean, Countess, why not just call the poor girl fat, but it was also sending the wrong message to each and every one of those girls regardless of size. Modeling shouldn't been seen as an industry in which we need to be stick thin in, haven't we done enough work trying to put that word out? Dove spent millions telling us that we as women are beautiful the way we are. But, I digress, like I said, I am sure it was a slip of the tongue or at least editing that made this comment look so terrible.

So Conclusion:

Countess Luann deLesseps Observation Report:
Comments: Unsatisfactory
Behavior: Unsatisfactory
Meaning Well: Satisfactory. needs improvement
Holding Tongue: Unsatisfactory
Class: Unsatisfactory, even the Countess wouldn't approve!

By the way, the Countess may not be a Countess for much longer....Countess Luann deLesseps Opens Up About Her Split

Passover, The Atkins Holiday

Beth and Taxes is Counting the days until Passover is over.

There are a two things I don't really understand surrounding Passover the first being who exactly Rabi Jose was and where he came from and the second being the non-Jew fascination with matzoh.

Every Passover at least one of my friends who is not from the "tribe" tells me that they love matzoh. The reason for this escapes me, it can't possibly be from the taste, matzoh tastes exactly like a cardboard box, even butter, or A1 couldn't mask that. I wonder what the reason is for this, are people drawn to matzoh because it looks like a huge cracker? Is the attraction close to that of the affinity that children feel for those ginormous lollipops? Sometimes I want to shout at the people who claim to "love" matzoh. I mean really? The only redeeming factor of matzoh would be if you were sick with a stomach virus and you needed something plain to eat that would also back you up, but in my opinion I will chose white rice over matzoh any day.

Maybe the reason that my non-Jewish friends love matzoh so much is because they aren't forced to eat it for a week straight. The possibilities for carb replacing meals are endless, but after a while matzoh pizza is no longer cute and you long for a slice from Artichoke. After about 2 days the only meals you can think of stomaching begin to have such a high fat count that you would rather not eat at all. Potato chips, ice cream, and french fries, although they do sound like a glorious meal, also begin to lose their luster once you realize that on this "Atkins" like diet you have gained at least 10 pounds.

So what is my solution this Passover? Well lucky me, this Passover also happens to overlap at a time in which I have to wear a bathing suit, so I think instead of just indulging in Ice Cream, which I can only eat like four bites of regardless due to the other popular Jewish affliction: Lactose Intolerance, I will eat only salads...and as for cute little matzoh croutons...count me out, I'll pass!

I Was Told There'd be Cake

Sloane Crosley wrote a collection of short stories in her book, I Was Told There'd be Cake. In one story she talks about her fear of dying, she worries if she were to drop dead unexpectedly what people would think of her pony collection in her apartment. It got me thinking...what would I be most embarrassed for people to find in my apartment if I were to drop dead unexpectedly? Living in NYC this isn't necessarily such an out of the question fear. I mean, who isn't afraid that one day someone will just push you onto the subway tracks? Or even more likely to happen you either a) get hit by an erratic cab driver or b) you get into a car crash with an erratic cab driver.

Side note: Who are those cab drivers talking to on their cellphones at all hours of the night? Even if they are benefited by a time difference back in their hometown, who could possibly be free enough to talk to someone all day long? I am sure my boss wouldn't appreciate my being on the phone non-stop...of course, I have students to teach, so I might be at a slight disadvantage. Once I asked a friend what he thought the cab drivers were doing, I can't remember if it was my response or his that offered up the idea that the cab drivers may be dictating a book, while the call recipient types it all up. Hmmm...Maybe I should start driving a cab, I could get so much work done, while working.

But I digress. What would I most be ashamed for someone to find in my apartment? Despite my strong need to have to clean almost every single day, I might be worried about someone finding dishes in my sink, or someone finding my bed unmade. But I know the one thing I would be most embarrassed about would be my massive collection of duvet covers, I mean, to be honest, I am not even sure how many I have anymore...and I am scared to take an actual inventory.

Who really needs more than one duvet cover anyways? The collection all started with very simple justifications. First I would need a one bright colored duvet for spring and a white duvet cover for winter (it was a winter white and matched the snow falling outside). Then the justifications became a little more disjointed, now I needed a duvet cover for fall, after all Halloween and Thanksgiving were my favorite holiday's, how could I not have an orange duvet cover to show my love for the season? Plus, I needed it for my Halloween party, everything needed to be coordinated.

Next I bought a summer quilt, this purchase however was in fact practical, after all I couldn't keep my down comforter on all year long, I was no longer in chilly Syracuse. Then, in a fit of boredom and inspiration (the inspiration stemming from a local Italian restaurant that opened up recently who had painted their outside facade in what I thought was the perfect yellow) I painted an accent wall in a pale yellow. Now my summer quilt no longer really matched the decor of my apartment. (To this day I am not sure if I did this to myself on purpose, addicts do have a hard time telling if they cause their own problems or not.) I searched high and low...well not really, all I did was open up my pottery barn catalogue and find the perfect match! A yellow, beachy duvet cover. PERFECT! Now I had a summer duvet cover that I would put over the summer quilt, albeit never actually sleeping under the duvet because that just wouldn't make sense!

Next I opted to get yet another duvet cover to replace my old winter duvet cover, it was 3 years old, and now matter how many times I would wash it (or more likely, how many times my mother washed it) the love was just no longer there...I mean, the white...the white was no longer there, there is no way I would just aimlessly buy a new duvet that I didn't need right? WRONG, I WAS AN ADDICT OF COURSE I WOULD! As soon as I saw the white duvet cover with little flowers crawling up one side I needed to have it. I needed a new duvet like most people needed air, I knew I just wouldn't be able to sleep comfortably again until it was on my bed! So, I asked for a new duvet for the holidays and a new duvet I did receive.

Then my friend who is the ONLY U.S. bedding designer for Lacoste gifted me with yet another duvet...which now will become my "cold/beginning spring duvet". The rationale of that one even escapes me. You know you have a problem when even you cannot convince yourself that it is okay to give into the burn...

So at the end of the day I now have 2 winter duvets, one fall duvet, one beginning of the spring duvet, one end of the spring duvet, and one summer quilt and one summer duvet cover (which I never sleep under)...but watch out Bed, Bath, and Beyond...I am about to paint my apartment again, so it is only a matter of time before I give into the need and visit you for yet another fix!